The Fears That Keep Ambitious Women Playing Small

It’s October, which means ghosts, witches, skeletons and approximately 47 different varieties of pumpkin-flavored everything are coming for us. I’m not mad about it. Halloween is my favorite holiday and it always has been. I relish the parties, jack-o-lanterns, trick-or-treating, frightening movie marathons, and scary soundtracks.

But honestly? Some of the scariest things aren’t hiding in storm drains, haunted corn mazes, or houses of horror. They’re hiding in our own heads. And I’m not talking about deep, dark, therapy-session-with-three-boxes-of-tissues kind of fears. I’m talking about the surprisingly ordinary fears that can quietly influence some pretty major decisions.

Fear of looking foolish. Fear of disappointing someone. Fear of being judged. Fear of starting over. Fear of making the “wrong” choice. Fear of letting go of something that looks successful on paper. And, perhaps my favorite, fear of succeeding so spectacularly that now you have to figure out how the heck you’re going to maintain it.

Because here’s the thing: You can be smart, accomplished, financially successful, and perfectly capable of leading a company, managing a team, raising a family, and navigating a million-dollar negotiation – and still let fear make decisions for you. I know because I’ve done it.

Sometimes fear doesn’t look like hiding under the covers. Sometimes it looks like overthinking, procrastinating, or talking yourself out of an opportunity that you secretly really want.

Sometimes it sounds very responsible. You think, I’m just being realistic… Now probably isn’t the right time… What will people think?… I don’t want to disappoint anyone…. I’ve already invested so much into this… Maybe I should just stay where I am... Sounds reasonable, right? Except sometimes “reasonable” is just fear wearing a three-piece power suit.

As women, we can become particularly good at telling ourselves stories that make fear sound like wisdom. We convince ourselves that everyone else’s needs should come first. That wanting more is selfish. That changing direction means we failed. That starting something new at this stage of life is ridiculous.

And because many of us have spent decades being responsible, successful, dependable humans, we can become really, really good at explaining why we shouldn’t do the thing we actually want to do. But what if the story isn’t true?

What if you’re not actually afraid of failing but afraid of what people might say if you fail? What if you’re not afraid of starting over but afraid that starting over makes your previous effort somehow less valuable? What if you’re not afraid of success but afraid that success will come with expectations you’re not sure you want?

There’s nothing wrong with being fearful. Fear is part of being human. The problem comes when we allow fear to quietly climb into the driver’s seat while we sit beside it pretending we’re making a rational decision.

So, this Halloween, instead of asking only, What costume am I going to wear? perhaps ask yourself a more interesting question: What’s scaring me? And then ask an even better one: Is this fear protecting me or limiting me? Because getting the most out of life is about so much more than setting goals and making plans. It is also about knowing when the voice in your head is giving you valuable information and when it’s simply telling you a scary story.

Before you let fear make another big decision for you, try this:

1. Name the fear. What are you actually afraid will happen? Get specific.
2. Write down the story. What are you telling yourself about this situation? Seeing it on paper can make it surprisingly obvious.
3. Ask, “Is this a fact or a fear?” Not everything your brain tells you deserves a seat at the board meeting.
4. Imagine the worst-case scenario. Then ask yourself how you would actually handle it. Chances are, you’d figure it out.
5. Ask what staying the same will cost you. We spend a lot of time calculating the risk of change and very little calculating the cost of not changing.
6. Separate other people’s opinions from your goals. Someone else’s discomfort doesn’t automatically mean you’re making the wrong decision.
7. Look for evidence. When has your fear been wrong before? You’ve probably survived more scary things than you give yourself credit for.
8. Take one small action. You don’t have to leap off the cliff. Sometimes you just need to take one step toward the edge.
9. Ask yourself what you would do if you weren’t afraid of looking foolish. This one can be surprisingly revealing.

Because the truth is, the life you want may be waiting on the other side of a decision you’re perfectly capable of making. And that’s a lot less scary than spending another year letting a story you made up run your life.

Enjoyed this article? Subscribe to my Be the CEO of Your Life Newsletter to receive my blog articles and other resources to connect, inspire, and motivate you to get everything you want out of life!