Over the past two weeks, my husband and I flew across the country twice, moving both of our boys into their dorm rooms. This is the first year they will both be away at school, and no one could have prepared me for the overwhelming feeling of emptiness I’d experience. It’s as if there’s a hole in my heart that genuinely aches.
When I arrived back home without them, the grief hit me like a ton of bricks. I quickly realized it was more than just the physical move and ensuing exhaustion that was difficult. It was difficult turning the page of our family’s book as starting their new schools in cities across the country marked the beginning of a new chapter—not just for them, but for all of us. This change would be a hard one to accept because nothing will ever be the same.
Here are some lessons I learned along the way:
1. Letting Go is Hard
Much, much harder than I ever thought it would be. Prepping and moving my boys into their dorms was the necessary nirvana that got me through the week. As long as I was marking dorm essentials off my list and organizing their rooms, I was in my happy place because staying solutions-focused and busy got my mind off the reality and finality of the situation. We had been talking about and planning this for years, but no amount of mental preparation softened the blow when I left them to return home. This made me realize how hard it is to let go – not just physically, but letting go of the multiple roles I had fulfilled over the many years they lived under my roof – the roles of daily caretaker, confidant, referee, taxi driver, and problem-solver. As parents, we’re conditioned to always be there, but now I must trust that the roots we planted in them are strong enough to handle the challenges ahead without me by their side.
2. It’s Okay to Feel Emotional
I wasn’t ready for the flood of emotions that would hit me – not only when we hugged and said goodbye but when we got home without them. I had no idea sadness would sweep through my being every time I had to go into their room to retrieve something. So many tears!!! So much ambivalence. I never knew I could be so proud and so sad at the same time before. Through this time, I learned that it’s okay to be emotional and I don’t need to bottle up all my feelings inside. This is a huge change for all of us. Allowing myself to feel it fully and deeply is a necessary part of the process.
3. Independence is a Gift, Not a Goodbye
While it feels like I lost a huge part of my daily life whenever their absence comes to mind, I quickly remind myself that this isn’t a goodbye — it’s a gift. Watching my boys embark on this journey toward independence is one of the greatest rewards of parenthood. They are stepping into their own, making decisions, learning from mistakes, and finding their own way in this world. I had the privilege of knowing them as children and now I’m on my way to having the privilege of knowing them as young adults. That realization is both comforting and inspiring.
4. Staying Connected Takes New Forms
Instead of family dinners or nightly check-ins, we have already found new ways to staying connected — phone calls, text messages, FaceTime, and care packages. I’m embracing this shift and see it as an opportunity to build a different, yet equally meaningful, bond.
5. Letting Them Grow Means Letting Myself Grow, Too
Finally, I’ve realized that this transition isn’t just about my sons’ growth and personal development; it’s about mine, too. As they lean into their new chapter, I’m settling on the truth that I have the opportunity to do the same. When I am done crying and in between missing them (it has only been a few weeks after all), I will give myself the time and space to reflect on my own needs, dreams, and goals.
Moving your kiddo into a dorm room is a bittersweet experience filled with lessons you never expected to learn. We prepared them for this moment for years, but we often forgot that we needed to prepare ourselves as well. Although we gave our kids their roots and wings, the hardest part of our parenting journey might just be watching them fly – but it might just turn out to be the most rewarding part, too. And while their physical move is temporary, the emotional growth — both theirs and ours —will last a lifetime.
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